My daughter did something she shouldn’t have and I have been struggling with emotions. I am angry. I am hurt. I am sad. I am lost. I feel the Holy Spirit telling me to tune in and help her, send her verses, write her letters, hold her, take a walk with her. She is alone. And as if that is not enough pain to carry, my thoughts go to my son who has felt lost in a family who all seemed to fit together but him, no matter how hard we tried to show him we were incomplete without him. He’s now living with friends in a state far from family, far from us. Alone.
“It is their fault”, a familiar voice, not of God, pulls me out of the memories and into “reality”. I do not want to hear the familiar cold voice. I do not want to listen to his orders. As if looking from one picture to another, a quick turn of the eye, the holy spirit knows of my struggle without me saying a word, and begins to remind me of my past once more. It is in my past that I will gain the will power to do what I should.
My thoughts go to my husband and I, him in another state for the military, and me pregnant, with two boys, by myself in my hometown, with family five minutes away. In the middle of cooking our third little bun in the oven, my husband decided to go to boot camp. I was left alone. Alone because it was what I chose. My husband sent for me after he completed boot camp. I had the baby there with him, 24 hours away from my family but far from being alone. I allowed my thought to form a what if movie reel of what it would’ve looked like, had I stayed to have my son in my hometown, surrounded by family. Alone. Family coming to visit, looking down on, cutting with hidden knives in their words’ meanings, making sure I knew just how low I was. I was told I got what I deserved. At fifteen, I picked my forever person, came out pregnant, but after baby two he decided he didn’t want “forever” he wanted “next”. I was left alone. And here I was 18, pregnant with my third baby by daddy number two. I got it.
When I was younger not one inch of my being thought to be worth anything. If I was alone, I was alone because I deserved to be. My actions caused it.
As an adult, as a child of God, I know better now. I was not left alone because of the choices I made. No, that is not why I was left alone. I was left alone because of the choices my family made. My mother, my father, my sister, they chose to step aside and allow the enemy to have his way with me. Full circle and I find myself in their shoes, hearing what the enemy told them about me, “These are her problems, she did this not you. Don’t be bothered by this. It is her fault. She needs to learn”. My heart is rubbed raw with memories that cause emotions to flood back and I am so grateful for that rawness. It gives me a look into my children’s hearts, their loneliness, and their pain. I can’t take away the consequences and I know I should not try to, but I can walk along side of them, ready to counteract the enemy’s lies, and remind them how much God loves them.
I like the Message version of Luke 15:21 “… The son started his speech: ‘Father, I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned before you;…’
God is the only one that paid for our sins; he is the only one we are indebted to for our sins. My children have sinned before me but they have sinned against God. God is willing to love them and quickly forgive. I should be too.
I would love for my children to never sin but that is just not the case, after all I am their mother, a sinner, and they are a part of me. I will do the second best thing, to make sure they are never left to the enemy’s devises, to vow to remain their shield of protection, their reminder of God’s love.