Forever Transplant

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Will I ever know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he loves me completely and with no reserve? Will fear of him no longer loving me cease to exist?

It’s been eight and a half years since he ripped out the part of him that had grown within me. And although he did give it back, mustering up all the courage he had, he cut me open with his spoken truth and acknowledgment of his wrongs. Lovingly placed it there, his forever, back inside of me, where the gaping hole had been, just above my lungs, within my ribs, in my heart.

It’s there, I can feel it, but the glue of promises, the stitches of his daily actions of conformation to remain as one, is just that, glue and stitches. They are not roots, they only go so deep and I am left with episodes.

Without warning, an episode,
I search within my heart for him, his forever. I am not open, gentle, loving.
I am closed tight, dead bolted in, fearful of what he will try to take this time.

Not one episode goes unnoticed. He reaches for me, his eyes tell me what I need to hear, “You have it, my forever, I love you, I need you”. His reminders hold me, protecting me from myself.

When will this no longer be a part of me? When will I accept the fact that I am not working off of half a heart? I am safe, I can live, and laugh, and be free, without fear of being ripped open again.

He proves that to me every day with his overflow of I love yous, his protection of my vulnerabilities, his willingness to see my need to be reassured, over and over again, never tiring. I look into his eyes and I tell him, “I’m sorry” with my mouth, but with my eyes, I tell him, “You broke me and I am still broken, and I don’t know how to be anything more than half a woman, with my second guessing and awkward sexuality”.

And just like that, a knife goes into his heart, just like that I cut him, wounding him, like he did me. He can’t handle being reminded that the love of his life was broken by the same hands that are used to make her better.

Dear God without you we know not what love is. Help us to become like you, more and more each day.
Ephesians 4:2 NIV
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

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