To have one person who will love me,
the beautiful me,
the ugly me,
the sweet me,
the mean me,
the sad me,
the happy me,
the skinny me,
the fat me,
the boring me,
the fun me…
The idea is beautiful.
Problem is, there is only the demand to be loved and none willing to.
Regret is all too familiar for each of us. Some regrets can be shrugged off, as easy as you would a gnat.
And there are some, that linger in the air, with a strong aroma of “what ifs”.
Still there are those that hit you like a bus, running you over, again and again, breaking every backbone and wishbone you’ve managed to build since.
It is a date, a scent, a song, a color, a place, that uncovers the regret, as if lifting a rock to expose maggots and worms.
Against all odds, it has remained a part of you, even though, not in your everyday thinking; awakening what you knew, back when…no matter how much time passes, it. will. always. remain.
It is part of you.
You are saddened by the part of you that was before and no more, taken and replaced by this regret.
Death in its place, walking, talking, sleeping, as if regret had not stolen its soul.
A scripture comes to mind today, as I fight back tears,
this too, He died for.
2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
Secrets do not exists to my Father.
Even hell has no secrets from him.
I think about my son in one of those places unknown to me. A place I, myself, have chosen to stay separate from.
I would go there.
I would search that place, familiarize myself with every secret hidden there,
if it meant keeping those “secrets”, secret to him.
I would feel the pull of desperation.
I would breath the disease of addiction.
I would see what those secrets breed, and I would tell them back to him,
like stories of the boogie man keeping children safe from strangers.
And still, if he chose to go there,
I would know enough about that place, to find him there,
and bring him back again.
God has done that for me.
God is the “all knowing”,
all knowing of all secrets,
so then, they can remain “secrets” to me.
And, even then,
if I choose to uncover those secrets,
I know he knows enough,
to find me there,
And bring me back to him again.